Real Life after Marriage

Well, one day out of a lot in, and it has turned out to be nothing like I thought it was going to be. Although let's be honest, the sex is great. We basically spent the day just like everyone else. We got up, afterwards we went to her parent's house to open gifts and basically do nothing for the late morning early afternoon. After we took a short nap, we went to go play football in Alvin. Because that is exactly what Kristen wants to do on the day after we get married, I played flag football! After football we went to eat dinner with my family and look at a variety of different photos from Thanksgiving and our wedding/reception.
Things must be looking pretty grim for Kristen these days. Welcome to married life.

Home for the holidays.

Final Push

Well we're almost done with 1/8 of my school and it's gone by so fast. The good and the bad. I have 3 hours of lecture left, 3 days of studying, and 1 boss of a final. Then I'll be free for the next 2 weeks! I'll be able to go to Texas, relax, marry the woman I love, and let's face it, I'll get to have sex! Now I know that's the naughty "s" word but hey it's 2 weeks before my marriage I can talk about that. But unfortunately that's not the topic of tonight's blog(although you guys who do read this should stay tuned, that one should be a good on!).

It's hard to imagine that 4 months have already come and gone. I've gone through so much material it's crazy what they force into your brain in medical school. What's even crazier is how much your brain can fit!

The funny thing is I know I only need a mid-high 50s to pass the test, so on one hand I am not worried about it, but on the other hand, I am worried because of all the MCBM tests, this one is the most biochemistry of all. I just want to get through medical in one piece, get a residency I can live with, finish up all my COMLEX tests with passing grades and have a nice life with Kristen. Is that too much to ask? I think not

One day, just need to keep trucking, praying, studying, and seducing Kristen and everything will turn out okay

Randomness

As I sit here wasting time I was wondering if ppl read these or not, well besides Kristen because she's obsessed with me.

Anyway as the last of the weeks wind down for my first semester I am getting more and more fried lol. Of course, but at least it is only one class really left. My basic science class and that is going to end in just over a week. That feels good just saying that, in fact I think I said that out loud just now. 12.5% DONE!

Anywho

My life isn't up to much these days really, in fact I live at the school as usual, going home whenever I need to sleep. I will be glad to be closer to the school, I might be able to walk home from school when I live on Academy, sure save on gas, but then, my routine stop by McDonalds for a McChicken and fries will fall by the wayside... sad

Anyway as you can see I don't have much to say unless you want to hear about phosphorylase kinase or glycogen syntase... probably not

Ok

Paths

As I get ready for tomorrow I think about where my life has come from and what I am doing. I notice that lots of times I take everything for granted, and wonder where should I really be. As I go in front of a committee tomorrow to present my case I start to question why I am here and if I really want to be. I am slowly losing my desire to push through this all. All the work and money that goes into this, it isn't an easy decision to make about life. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I seem to get to the understanding that life isn't easy, and I know my life is far from tough, but in the corner of my mind I still question.

Not that this life is easy, but I wonder why I am doing this actually. I used to believe that people here cared, and I know that they still do. But on the other hand it seems around here a lot, people try to trick you. To see exactly what you do and do not know is one thing, to try to trick someone over minute details when in the broad stream of what they want you to learn is another. I wish they gave me direction in where to go and what was important. A big part of why tomorrow is happening is because I don't feel I was told. Life is hard right now because I'm not someone used to failure, especially failure when I don't feel my failure is a representation of what I really know. Am I the most knowledgeable person about OMM no I am not, and I recognize that. However I don't think that I know so little as it seems.

To Do

Why is it you are either super busy or there is absolutely nothing to do? Can you not have a healthy medium world? Thanksgiving Break was supposed to be a nice time to relax and not do stuff. But in reality like every other break, to me at least, it is a super bored or super busy type of polarization. Maybe I just need to have a reality check or something, but that's how I feel a lot. It's like the summer break, at the end of the school year you're just dying to have nothing to do; and it lasts about 2 weeks tops before you're gorging your eyes out of boredom. Maybe it's just because Kristen was up here this weekend and suddenly the life of Zac turned into the life of Kristen and Zac, and Zac cannot be greedy and lazy like he always wants to be.

Going to have to get used to this I think. Because I don't see things getting any better for like... idk eternity =), got to learn to cope and adapt to the way people normally live I guess.

I've been spoiled my whole life. It's not fair...

Sorry Zac

Aftermath

Exhaustion is a hard way to die I've decided. Sad part is, all my studying this weekend didn't seem to help me at all for my OMT testing. I just prayed that I passed both the practical and the written(not that I'm expecting it honestly) I hope that things work out or this is going to be a bad holiday with one unhappy Zac. On the other hand I don't have a test for at least a few weeks, that almost makes me happy. I do have the OSCE this Monday which needs some serious work done before I will feel ready to do it. After my last score from 2 weeks ago, I need some a lot of work actually to get the grade I need or feel comfortable with. The talking isn't so hard, being with a patient, but the writing down everything they want us to write and be organized is a huge problem for me. Kristen is going to be a little disappointed that I have so much to do this weekend while she is up here.

Test Weekends

When is enough enough? Studying for 50 hours in a weekend is crazy, and I don't know how many times I can do this until I go berserk. I don't think these people want me to help them with student ambassador much longer because I'll basically tell them to run like crazy and never go to medical school because it just isn't worth it to do it. Why submit yourself to all this when in reality being a doctor isn't what most people think. They see the prestige and the honor and all that crap, it's not really all that. It's work, it's a business, it's trying to make due and not get sued because people think that doctors are perfect when they really aren't. Is giving up your life worth this? Of course they only tell you all this stuff after you get out of your undergrad and into medical school itself.

I should have been a business major

What do I think?

So after writing all this I came to wonder why I was actually writing all this. I really don't know except it's been on my mind. The other reason is that people have told me that a blog is for what I am thinking etc. I don't intend for this blog to become a statement or anything other than letting people know what is going on with me right now. I lack the tact and aptitude of creating anything other than what is on my mind, and don't expect this to be much of anything .

So all these anti-hate/anti-anti-gay etc etc etc blogs going up, I guess it just blows my mind. While I'm sure they are all meaning well and have good intentions by the time I get through reading the whole blog I'm like W.T.F.!!! How do you go from all we need is love(yes you can sing the lyrics in your mind) to attacking everyone? Things are just going crazy around here! Good thing this I don't really care, there'll always be ultra-conservative folk, uber-liberal folk who feel they have to stand up and protect their rights, the rights of their children, the rights of the baby who isn't going to be conceived until about 11:15 tonight in some back seat of a car. I have my own beliefs and I don't intend to force them upon anyone. If it comes time to have the public decide on the course of our society I'll go to the polls, vote for what I feel is right and leave.

If some of my friends and I want to have a conversation or even a debate on a touchy subject, I don't intend to push it on them at all. Just show them where I am coming from and why I believe what I believe. Each and every one of us are logical human beings and can make a decision based on what we feel/believe. That is what God/natural selection/Allah/your mom and dad that one night gave us when we were born into the great country of the USA. I'm stubborn, you're stubborn, the big guy next to me is stubborn, do you really think if you throw one more fact/belief out to anybody that it'll change them? Change comes from within the character in question, not from anybody else. Haters are always going to hate, lovers are always going to love unless something inside changes them, not from me stuffing personal beliefs down their throats. I have a friend(yes it's true) and he is the complete antithesis of me. He thinks I'm crazy for what I believe. I think he's going to .... (just kidding, in case he reads this lol) no I don't know what I think about his beliefs... honestly to me they're just what he believes. We've talked about sex, we've talked about homosexuality, we've talked about religion. He's very knowledgeable and I would like to say I am as well. Afterwards he goes his way and I go mine. It's fun... he thinks I'm a wacko and that's totally cool. It's still fun to talk to him, and he's an amazing guy, he also plays a good game of StarCraft2

My last rant, if you can call it that(yes I'm no better than anyone else out there xD) is that if you feel strongly enough about a subject and feel you need to "educate" everyone about it, please have the decency to not just compartmentalize it to your own benefits. As it is now a political subject, many people have come out against homosexuality. Really that's awesome you believe in something, that's what makes us unique in the whole animal system(I believe). However please if you're against a sexual sin, be against sexual sins, not just a itty bity part of it. If you go out protesting gay marriage/homosexuality only to go home and get laid by your boyfriend or girlfriend is just as much a sexual sin last time I read the scriptures. I don't see many people going out to speak out against fornication or adultery. (p.s. I don't think you should judge anyone in any case actually, but that's beside the point). And yes according to what I feel, I am wrong in being flabbergasted by them.

Yes the world is going to "hell in a handbasket". Yes lawyers and corporations are taking over the world. Yes government corruption is at an all time high. So why must we hate our friends/neighbors/and the common folk? We should be doing good things like giving hugs to everyone we meet!(and this is why this is a semi-private blog, I am not the most eloquent of writers, or have the highest thought processes). Actually I think only Kristen will actually read this, and maybe Sara if she has time.

To sum things up:

• Have your own beliefs but don't expect that of others
• Don't expect people to change just because you feel a certain way
• Don't be a hypocrite when you talk out
• Fix the world by fixing yourself
• Hug everyone you meet, not only does this promote love, but it helps with oxytocin levels
• Remember Zac is awesome and send him cookies

Weekend

This weekend has left me more confused and less capable of know about everything than before. As thing run down for the night, I look back at what I accomplished. I finished 2 sections of what was taught to us. The physiology section as well as the membrane section(mostly). I also spent a lot of time talking to Kristen this weekend. Kristen and I seemed to make huge steps in our relationship as last post would have suggested, she leaves me more confused as ever. I think that my time management was well spent, I know everything has it's time and place and medical school it's more about the school than anything else. I just look back and think about where I grew this weekend and where I fell back; my accomplishments and let downs. It was certainly an ambiguous weekend.

Trying to find a right balance amiss of so many odds and ends, I try to find the balance, but sometimes maybe where the balance needs to be isn't where I want it to be. I will work on this

Trust

Tonight, despite having a rough week ahead, of both Kristen and I, we took time out of our schedules to just talk. We talked most of my night and probably all of hers. She was very understanding. I know that a lot of times I get on her for being queen of her own world, but I know she loves me and tries hard to remember me. Once again I won't talk about what we talked about, only know that it was surely hard for her to go all in like she did. She let us talk about the wedding and was very accepting of my thoughts. When subjects turned hard for her, she didn't complain or even once say she'd talk some other time; she knew it was important to me and took it in stride. Ever since we had that talk on Sunday night/Monday morning she has actively sought to become more of a woman, more of what I said I needed. I wonder if I have become more of the type of man she needs. I know at times I've complained(sometimes a lot) her, but in the end I always realize I'm definitely marrying up. Plus she's sexy, even if she doesn't know that... okay probably out of context for that last comment, but I know she's going to read that and think it's super awkward.

Anyway I just wanted Kristen to know I appreciate all she does for me. I know it's not always the easiest, and the next 4 years ahead of us are definitely not the easiest for her(I'm getting off easy compared to her). Somehow she still works on being that better person, and I do appreciate it.

Rant

I know I promised all those out there that don't read this , the amazing story of my discussion with Kristen, but sadly this just came up. I learned 15 minutes ago that our scores for MCBM weren't our own. Sadly someone was skipped during the grading and we got someone else's grade after letter L in last names. So basically "my" score wasn't mine, and I didn't really get a good above average grade. Sadly I got 6 point below average and a final score 10% under what I had thought. All because the medical school put grades out a little too fast and totally destroyed my self confidence. I thought I was on par, and on the right road to studying and doing well and suddenly I saw I need to improve and change, doing different things.

I remember the old days of undergrad that if things were done in your favor on accident they wouldn't take that away. I know things are different in graduate school, but I really wanted a good school and now I have a good score - 11%

Screw you medical school, screw you...

If you are offended by my blatant use of those words right there, I apologize. But it's true

Craziness

The craziness of medical school is thus: 45 hours of out of classroom studying(after class gets over) during the week, followed by 16 hours of studying/day in the weekend. That's 77 hours of studying out of class. That is crazy, but the craziness is worse. During the testing phase this morning the questions fell into 3 distinct categories.

1. I memorized that information and it's easy
2. I can recall looking at that but I don't remember
3. Have I ever even seen that acronym?

This morning about 50 questions fell into the first question, 45 into the second question, and the last 15 into the 3rd category. 31.5 wrong questions is a 70%, so now we get the waiting game. But at least we have that done now. Not too bad for only 6 hours of sleep and one "discussion" with the fiance till 3 in the morning. That'll be next post promise

Gearing Up

I never thought I could be overwhelmed with material like I am now. I assumed that even though there is a boat load of material to go over, we'd at least be given some direction in our studies. The MCBM(The Molecular and Cellular Basis of Medicine) class is completely out of control. 5-8 hours of lecture a day 5 days a week with about 6 hours of time to study(on average) the material. With 4-5 professors for each test I am on the brink of insanity! Only 1 or 2 have given input on how to study, or what material is important for the test(no, telling us to know all material does not help us students out). Most of life is now taking a backseat to MCBM. I don't even remember what food taste like anymore :P

But seriously, I thought life was exhausting before, I can understand a lot more of the blogs I have read about medical students and their lives. No wonder divorce rates and unhappy ending of relationships in medical school are so high. I feel like I'm having an affair with my class. Is it wrong, that when I'm married, for me to spend all day with my "mistress" only to go home to the wife at 11:30? Because unfortunately Kristen cannot tell me to get ride of her.

Has anyone ever had a relationship like that? Someone you really didn't like, a girl perhaps that wasn't good for you, but when she said come over and be with you, you just couldn't say no?

No matter what something just drew you to her/him? Every time afterwards you were like never again. But deep inside you knew that you'd be going back?

Yeah that's me and MCBM. No matter how much I want to end it and just go back to Kristen there she is in my mind, and I know late at night I'll be going to her, hating myself the whole time. I curse you MCBM, I curse you; but oh how I love you too!

Isn't life funny that way, spending all your time with things you cannot stand! Chalk it p to one more oxymoron in life!

The Touch

Yesterday was another day of waking up around just after 7:00 classes until 6:00 and finally leaving the medical school around 11:30. In spite of all this, I still didn't get done reviewing around 120 slides. It's kind of sad that the only way I know that time is passing is because when I leave a studying room for a snack or drink, it goes from light to dark. One can spend hours by them self if they aren't studying in a group. Sometimes it makes one desperate for any sort of interaction or contact with other "human beings". Some days I think it's almost worth paying $50 for a nice massage just to have that 45 minutes of physical contact of another person, as well as it feels really good.

Of all the hardships medical school had promises, the last one I thought would be something like this. Especially since Kristen is only about 2000 miles away. Sadly this doesn't get better from what I hear, even worse for her apparently. 1st I'm a guy, that's already hard for girls since we all know that girls are "different". Built different, different feelings, wants, and needs. None of which seem to be conducive to the medical school environment. 2nd is that of everything that happens these days; it tends to not be about the s.o. and apparently that's a no go for girls for some reason. I don't know why that is, but I guess some people really do believe that it's all about them. (Not that I think it's all about you Kristen of course)

I think I might be rambling just a little bit right about now

Moral of the story is life would be much better if Kristen was here to cuddle with me

Women

I don't know about you, but it seems like to me women always win and men, well we pick up the pieces. This doesn't even have to be a bad thing, just how life is in general. As many of you know I'm engaged to a lovely young lady Kristen Bond; and while maybe I might have been seen as pushy and my way or the highway before. I can assure you that is no longer the case. Every since we started dating, I have not been able to win with Kristen. Not that we fight or anything, but if she asks she gets. While I ask, I get the big "N" word. I once tried to keep a secret from Kristen, that lasted about as long as it took her to start cuddling with me.

Women... let the guys win sometimes =D.

This is brought up mainly about a conversation Kristen and I had last night. While I won't reveal the details of said conversation right now (since she'd kill me if I did) let it be known that she revealed the tiniest bit of information. That drives me crazy!!!! I'm a physicist first off! I thrive on curiosity and learning. You can say the most random thing to me, and if I find it interesting I'll want to know more. No matter how personal or irrelevant it is to the point. So basically last night Kristen made a comment about herself that I found very interesting and very curious about! So naturally she basically ended the conversation right there. That's like duct taping an ADD kid to a chair. I'm left to my own devices to try to figure it out, or worse yet cook up my imagination to try to sort through it and all.

I guess all that is left is for me to fight back and torture her by misusing information. My only problem is this backfires every time!

Of the beginning of days

If you got that quote, my hat is off to you. Anyway as anatomy has come and gone, the stresses of school sometimes overwhelm. Starting this blog will hopefully channel some of my pent-up aggression and stress into a more appropriate outlet. It seems like for medical studies you go from no information and 0% difficultly in learning material to overload of information and 100% difficulty. Learning from past mistakes, hopefully, I'll keep up with the material better. Don't know exactly how I feel about this new MCBM class. No accountability like the quizzes did for us in anatomy. 6 hours, on average, sitting in class is also kind of painful. Especially if you're like me and sleep easily. So AMPs might become my new best friend at 10 a.m.

I don't have much to write for now. This is a new experience for me so I'm starting off easy, but don't worry it'll start pouring here soon